Breaking the Mother-in-Law stereotypes

A couple weeks ago I said “goodbye” (for now) to one of my very favorite people – my mother-in-law. I’ve always heard the negative jokes and stories about mother-in-laws, but I don’t have a single one to add. My MIL – she was the best of the best from the moment I started dating Chris. She was pretty private, so I didn’t talk about her much here. There is a good chance in the coming decade I will become a MIL and I know many of you that follow me here are in the same boat. I thought I’d share a few things I learned from mine about being a MIL that breaks the stereotypes…

1. Lean in – early on. Chris and I started dating in college. I’m pretty sure she recognized quickly that we’d get married and once she did she started sending me care packages. Gift cards. Lotions. Little goodies. Mind you, she didn’t send them to Chris – just me! She took time to find out the things I liked – from the get go I felt seen by her.

2. Patience & grace. When I became a first time mom everything was so unknown. I needed a plan, a schedule, a routine. At the time she had already raised 4 kids and had 6 grandkids. She was seasoned and wise. When I asked her to stick to the baby’s routine and write down when and how much he ate – she simply did it. She knew I needed it more than the baby and as crazy as my strict schedule needs were, she showed me grace, patience, and support. 18 years later she was still supporting me as the mom to her grandkids.

3. Time. A few years into homeschooling she asked me how she could help me. The boys needed so much attention and helping the girls learn to read was brutal for me. She, on the other hand, loved reading with little ones. At that point she began coming over once a week to read out loud with the girls. That was about 5 years ago. The girls quickly became great readers with her, but she kept coming Friday after Friday until just a few weeks ago. I never took a picture of their weekly dates because she didn’t really love the camera. I regret that.

4. Meet actual needs. Several years ago she told me she wanted to help with school supplies – meaning taking the kids to get what they needed. I joked that our greatest supply need as homeschoolers was snacks. From that point on at the start of every semester she’d load the kids up for a ‘school supply’ run to Costco. She could have gone with her plan (paper & pens), but read between the lines of my joke to know that snacks were the actual supply need. 

5. Costco again. After we added onto our house we were able to begin hosting extended family for holidays. It is a joy for us to host. She never wanted me to feel overwhelmed, so a few days before everyone would arrive she’d pull into the driveway with a car load of Costco stuff (all the stuff only grandmas buy!) for those staying at my house. It wasn’t necessary, but it was thoughtful and it was one of the million little ways she always made me feel like she had my back.

6. My marriage ally. We shared a deep love for Chris. She was the person I could talk to about stuff that drove me crazy about her son because she knew all those little quirks too and loved him too, and I knew no matter what I said it wouldn’t affect her view of Chris. She was for Chris, but she was also for me and for our marriage. I always knew that.

7. Positive about in-laws. She loved my extended family. She always supported us (Chris, the kids, & I) in regards to spending time with my parents and my sister’s family. She spoke highly of my family and that meant a great deal to me. 

8. She saw me. Like really saw me. When I think about the legacy she leaves behind I think perhaps her greatest gift to those around her was her ability to make others feel seen and known. Very few possess that gift and I’m grateful to be among those that experienced hers.

One day I hope I am a MIL and I hope I can take the things I’ve learned from her and love my future daughters and sons in law in the same fierce way. I’m grieving our loss, but rejoicing with her that she finally got to meet Jesus, whom she loved, face to face.