this week feels a little scary

So, I know this is a long, wordy post, but this is what is on my heart and mind right now. It is hard to think about crafts and diy and pretty photos this week. My mind is on surgery and the beautiful (though scary) unknown of a new career path for Chris.

Back in March I attended a conference and heard Dr. Barabara Sorrells speak. So many things she said stood out, but one of them was, “fear will take you places you were never meant to be.” Her words have lingered in my mind ever since.

I don’t want to live in fear, but fear can so easily creep into my mind.

This week is one of those game changer weeks for my family.

A week that could either be full of fear or hope.

I’m fighting fear to hold on to hope.

On Friday, Little One will have her palate repair. It is a big surgery. I’ve sat in the waiting room 5 times already while one of my kids is having surgery. It never gets easier or less scary. This surgery will determine a lot in regards to future surgeries. It will be pretty painful for her and longer recovery than her lip repair. It feels heavy and fear can over take me. But, on the opposite side of fear is the hope of all a closed palate will mean for my daughter. There is hope for her future that I must fight the fear to see.

Several weeks back Chris resigned from a job he loved at a place that has been part of our family for 10 years. This week begins his first official week no longer there. Moving forward is even harder when you treasure what is left behind.

As a couple and family, we are taking steps into the unknown. We are dreaming of what could be. We don’t have a specific plan. He doesn’t have a job lined up. We’ve made financial decisions for years that allow us a little freedom now to take a big jump and hope in the end we’re flying instead of crashing. I’ll be the main ‘bread winner’ for a while and I’m excited to see Chris get to take a few risks and chase ideas to see where they lead. It is an honor to stand by him as he dreams, knowing for so long it has been him cheering me on as I dream.

But it is scary. I’m plagued by the ‘what ifs’….

I’ll be teaching more SnapShops and I’ve been working on a phone photography course (hopefully to be released soon), but I still battle the fears of what if no one signs up. It only takes a quick glance on Instagram or other blogs for me to begin feeling inadequate to teach others, thinking so many more could do a much better job than I can. I worry about juggling homeschool and working more hours and the new normal of a changed daily routine. I worry about messing it all up and letting everyone down. I could make a long list of all my fears. Of all my worries. Of all the reasons I think we shouldn’t chase our dreams. Of all the reasons we should stick with stable and comfortable.

And then I remember….I don’t want fear to take me places I was never meant to be…

So when those fears and worries creep in, I’m taking my thoughts captive and I’m making the leap. Maybe we will crash. But maybe we’ll soar.

When I was in fifth grade I got in-line skates for Christmas. There was a huge hill by my house growing up. I wanted to badly to skate down that hill, but I knew it was a big risk. I could crash hard. One afternoon I snuck over to that hill. Like it was yesterday, I remember standing at the top and deciding I was going to go for it. I pushed off and started flying down the sidewalk. As I came to the end, I realized there was a fire hydrant in the middle of the sidewalk and I had too much speed to stop before hitting it. I could either hit it or lean to my side and stop myself the hard way. I leaned to my side, with my right leg scraping the sidewalk. I didn’t technically crash, but when I stood up there was blood everywhere.

It was pretty bad, though I don’t remember the pain. I remember looking back up at that hill with so much pride thinking, “I did it!”. I skated home leaving a trail of blood behind. After sneaking into the house, I cleaned up as much as I could before my parents saw me. To this day there is a big round scar on my right leg from taking that risk.

I know that might sound silly or like a stupid kid decision to some, but that day I learned that even if I get hurt and scarred up, sometimes the risk is worth it. That day I learned to calculate the risk.  Sometimes the thrill of a dream happening is worth any bumps and bruises on the way.

So, this week marks some scary leaps of faith for us. I know there is a chance we might crash. We might come out of this banged up with scars to show for it. But we might also come out of it soaring. And that will be awesome.

 

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to know

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

~ (It is Well with My Soul, Horatio Spafford)

 I won’t be posting again this week as we prepare and travel for Little One’s surgery. I’ll try to link my instagram account here on Friday as I share updates on surgery. Thank you for your prayers.