A little over a year ago I stood in Chris’ office helping him pack his things into boxes. It was a hard day. He was stepping away from a job he loved and stepping into the unknown. On that day neither of us really felt like smiling. We loaded his million books into boxes, dumped the remaining pens into a bag and got ready to make a final trip to the car. It was a sad day for us both, but I knew I wanted to remember that moment. I wanted a picture to document that ending of one season and the beginning of a new one. I grabbed my phone and we both faked our best smiles.
Shortly after, I wrote the following here on my blog:
“Several weeks back Chris resigned from a job he loved at a place that has been part of our family for 10 years. This week begins his first official week no longer there. Moving forward is even harder when you treasure what is left behind.
As a couple and family, we are taking steps into the unknown. We are dreaming of what could be. We don’t have a specific plan. He doesn’t have a job lined up. We’ve made financial decisions for years that allow us a little freedom now to take a big jump and hope in the end we’re flying instead of crashing. I’ll be the main ‘bread winner’ for a while and I’m excited to see Chris get to take a few risks and chase ideas to see where they lead. It is an honor to stand by him as he dreams, knowing for so long it has been him cheering me on as I dream.
But it is scary. I’m plagued by the ‘what ifs’….
I’ll be teaching more SnapShops and I’ve been working on a phone photography course (hopefully to be released soon), but I still battle the fears of what if no one signs up. It only takes a quick glance on Instagram or other blogs for me to begin feeling inadequate to teach others, thinking so many more could do a much better job than I can. I worry about juggling homeschool and working more hours and the new normal of a changed daily routine. I worry about messing it all up and letting everyone down. I could make a long list of all my fears. Of all my worries. Of all the reasons I think we shouldn’t chase our dreams. Of all the reasons we should stick with stable and comfortable.
And then I remember….I don’t want fear to take me places I was never meant to be…
So when those fears and worries creep in, I’m taking my thoughts captive and I’m making the leap. Maybe we will crash. But maybe we’ll soar.”
It has been a year now and we didn’t crash. Sure, there were really hard days. There were many fears – those same fears still creep in today. We got a few bruises and I’ve had plenty of moments where I felt like I was drowning, but we didn’t crash.
During the last year we bought an Avion – “a flying machine”. I love that our trailer bears that name. We are taking this month to celebrate making it through the last year…we are doing some soaring as a family.
A year ago we faked our smiles. We were confident in our decision, but it was still so scary and sad. There are still a lot of unkonwns for us and still fears that creep in, but we are learning a deeper trust that God will supply all our needs. And He has supplied not just our needs, but far more than we could want. We’ve been given the last year together as a family. A hard, challenging, beautiful year. We’ve grown as a couple. We’ve grown as a family. We’ve grown in our faith. This year, we are smiling. Big, soaring, happy smiles.