fill my heart with song

A sweet friend sent me a new picture to hang on my wall. I’ve hinted at it some…part of my daughter’s name is “Song”.

My Song.

My heart is full.

Adoption is beautiful and yet full of pain too. There are hard truths related to adoption. Loss for children. Loss for families. Grief. I am an answer seeker…a researcher…a digger for truth. I am digging for answers for my daughter, despite the hard truths I might learn along the way. I am learning from doctors, parents, counselors on how to help my daughter. She is not staring at pictures of our family. She is not dreaming of laying under blankets snuggling with her sister. When we meet, her world will be rocked to its core.

My heart is hurting for her. It hurts for the pain she has already known. It hurts for the loss she has already faced. It hurts for her birth family.

A year ago yesterday, FireCracker broke her femur. This is a photo of her big brother the first time he saw her in the hospital. His face is how I am feeling for my Little One.


His heart broke when he saw his baby sister in that hospital bed. He didn’t understand why she was there. He couldn’t comprehend all she was enduring. He just knew she was hurt. He didn’t have answers, only questions. He was hurting.


His hurt and concern for her never diminished, but he did figure out how to still be her loved big brother. He couldn’t heal her broken leg, but he could love her through it. He could lay in that hospital crib next to her watching movies. He continued to do so every visit for the 3 weeks she was in the hospital. He did what he could to love her as only a big brother can.


And while I will still search for answers for my daughter, I will also keep moving forward and love her as only a mother can. We are still waiting on that Letter of Acceptance. When it arrives I’ll be mailing some disposable cameras and a Q&A book her way. The cameras are in hope that the caretakers will capture some everyday moments of her. The Q&A book is written in Chinese and English. It is full of questions about her early days, her likes, dislikes, milestones….basically a baby book that the caretakers can fill out. I’ll mark the most important questions to me and hope they answer them.


And I’ll celebrate with FireCracker as she waits for her little sister…this girl loves to match, she is excited about these shirts!


And, I’m even starting to make a list for packing. A friend sent me some items to take when we travel. I usually am a very last minute packer. I think I’ll at least start planning a little better this time.


So it has been a hard couple of weeks as we wait and learn. So much I’ve been learning I am not ready to share…I’m still processing. So much is her story alone and I will always protect what is hers. Other aspects I want to share, to shed light on issues many are unaware exist. We are on day 39 of our wait. It seems like many are waiting an average of 80 days right now. Blah.

I usually check my email first thing in the morning in hopes there is something from my agency. Yesterday I waited. I just wasn’t ready for no news again. But, when I did check it there was a new email from my agency. Yesterday was a very good day.


Just to clarify, those are only peeks at the photos we received, but they are the first peeks of her I’ve shared on this blog. I’ll be able to share more about her after we get our acceptance letter. She’s gorgeous and I’ve studied every last detail of my three new pictures.

My heart is full of Song.


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  • Amy D - Ashley, I hear ya, girl… I’m right there with you… I’m so thankful you share this story, and two sides of the same coin, the joy and pain of adoption. It needs to be told and heard, and while it’s hard for me not to be permitted to share our own story yet, I’m glad you are able to tell yours so beautifully and to so many people, because it needs to be told. And I’m thankful you are treading it all so carefully, because you’re right, some of Little One’s story does need to be hers alone to share if she wants. A fine line! Again, you encourage me, to know that another mommy longs for updates and movement and hurts for her baby the same way I do! And, OMIGOODNESS, the little bits of Little One are PRECIOUS!!! :) So fun to see little bits of her!

  • Katie - My friend shared your blog link with me. We are in the process of adopting domestically; and are in the “waiting” season. My heart goes out to you and praying that God will continue to grow you- we have a friend who adopted two girls from China and her advice to us as we wait was, “I know you’re not, but let me again encourage you to not despise the journey. The pain of the journey is part of your family’s story and one you will tell your baby over and over. God is very much in the pain of the journey! Embrace it all!” Thanks for sharing your heart today.

  • Melissa - we’ve waited for 2 of our adopted children. it is hard going through the waiting period, but looking back, it was so worth it! through the waiting God showed me so much and taught me a lot about myself. He is preparing you for your sweet girl! thanks for being so honest and open!

  • ashley gee - “Life’s a happy song when there’s someone by your side to sing along”. I sing this song around the house with my nephews… it’s from the muppet movie. Hopefully soon your Song will be along side you singing along. Until that day your family is in my thoughts and prayers as you continue on with this journey. much love.

  • Midwest Magnolia - Melissa Lewis - Thank you for sharing what you are able and feel led to do. It’s blessing so many!

  • jennie - hi ashley,
    i’ve been following your blog for a while now and i even took your online snapshop course, which by the way was amazing! i’m so eager to meet your new lil angel. i too have gone through the adoption process and thought at times it was enough to kill me emotionally. i was my sons foster mother and i don’t wish that kind of stress on my worst enemy. my son came to live with me at 9 months of age, and wasn’t ours officially until a couple weeks shy of his 3rd birthday. it’s amazing the amount of pain and worry a mothers heart can bare when we have our eye on the prize. the power of prayer will get you through, and the joy awaiting your family in the end will send chills up your spine. your a wonderful mother and that baby girl is so blessed to be trapped inside your heart already!

  • carolina - Oh Ashley! I hope everything be good. The first pictures broked my heart, said a lot. I’m happy for you because had some news, i don’t imagine what feels all that wait but I know you and your family can wait because you have help from upstairs. Aguante!!!

  • Lydia - love this.

  • Colorado Personal Injury Lawyers - Ashley,

    Your children are absolutely precious. I cried when I saw them together in the crib. What a beautiful family, hang in there. ?


  • Elizabeth - I’m seriously tearing up looking at these pictures!! I’m so thrilled that you have them!! Anxiously waiting w/ you!!

  • Stacey - Every time I read one of your posts, I find myself crying and snuggling my daughter even tighter. I’ve said it before, but you are such an inspiration to me as a mother. Your little one is already so lucky that she is going to be part of such a welcoming awesome family. I am so excited for you all and I can’t wait until she’s home with her family!


  • Jessica - Have you heard the song A Thousand Years by Christina Perri? I used to think it was a pleasant little girl loves boy song but last Friday I was driving a long road trip. And it came on. And I heard one line I had never noticed before. “Time stands still. Beauty in all she is. I will be brave; I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me. Every breath, every hour has come to this.” And I was just all of a sudden floored. My first thought was you. And then I started crying. Like, ugly crying down the interstate. But not the sad kind; the kind you feel when you’re overwhelmed by the feeling of God speaking directly to or through you. And I had to tell you. If you haven’t given this song a listen or heard it in this way, I hope you do. And I hope that it brings you great comfort.

  • Thuy - I love this post and the pictures! I am so happy to be able to follow you along this amazing journey.

  • Laura Chavous - It is so true what you said about adoption being a beautiful yet sorrowful thing. I am so blessed for you and your family.

  • AshleyAnn - Jessica, I have not heard it, but I’m off to find it now :)

  • RachelSD - Oh, Ashley, another tearjerker post! Glad FireCracker likes her shirt and the onesie for Little One… can’t wait to see them both in them. :) Wishing you tons of patience as you wait for your Song…

  • giozi - The photos of your child watching his sister and your story was very touching. To see your beautiful smiling girl, embracing these shirts is beautiful. And I have also wanted to know “little one”

  • Amanda - I love watching this unfold for you. I can’t imagine the emotional roller coaster! Time to wipe my eyes :)

  • Amber Wallace - Such precious little hands and feet. How exciting

  • Jackie - So happy you got an update! This wait has become pure torture. You are right, adoption is so complex and it seems to get more emotional every passing year. Here’s to our little Songs!

  • Paige Y - I love that you are recording her story just for her. What a special gift you are giving your daughter. Love your updates. I wrote my story for my son, Tyler, so he could read it right from me. Luckily, I know his parents have held nothing back from him, not even the love from his first mom. hugs!

  • ter@waaoms - I hope the adoption goes through. I have thought about adoption. But I don’t know if I can handle being a single mother. (my husband and daughter passed away) Why did your daughter have to be in the hospital for 3 weeks with a broken leg? I’m glad you have those photos and that she has a great big brother who loves her so much.

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